Lonely, But Never Really Alone
Saturday is normally one of my favorite days of the week. I have time to get caught up on everyday things like dishes, laundry...the book I am reading. This Saturday sucks though, and I cannot help but turn to the blog as an outlet for all the pain, and fear, and rage, and frustration I have inside me right at this moment. I have "moods" as do most of you so it's not surprising that today has been a rather blue day. I have been stressed out about my job, my lack of money, the fact that I am facing surgery, and that I am alone.
Not alone in the sense that I have no friends, or family. God knows I am blessed every day to have all of you as a part of my world; but lonely in the sense I don't have that special someone...that person I can cry to when life is overwhelming me and I need to be held. That feeling is something I miss, and that makes me sad~while at the very same time I am scared shitless of feeling like that ever again. I loved my ex with an intensity and blind devotion that I never planned on, and in the end all I got was heartache and misery for my efforts. I know, deep down, that not all of our issues were my fault...but it still hurts when he calls me up and proceeds to blast me for everything (real or imagined) I ever did. There is never any mention of the happy times, of the laughter and the shared secrets...it's all hate and negativity and yeah, it fucking hurts! I guess I just don't understand why when a relationship ends it seems like people have this overwhelming need to make the other person the "bad guy." WHY do we have to hate one another; is it really necessary to re-hash every single bad thing that ever happened? And HOW can someone who loved you just months ago now hate you beyond all reason? To me it just makes no sense...I genuinely despise hurting people, no matter what they do to me~so I am having a hard time telling the ex to fuck off...even though I know I should. I guess a part of me is still foolish enough to hope that this is a nightmare of sorts and that the man I loved will re-appear and life will be good again. Then I realize, no matter how much I might want for him to love me, and for things to be good between us again~ they can never be the same. Too many hurtful things have been said, and too many tears cried for me to ever trust him, or him me. I guess all of this is so much worse because he was a part of my life for the last 20 years, I have always admired him and wanted to be with him. I got what I wanted and look how it turned out; how can I ever trust my instincts when it comes to a man again knowing how wrong I was with him?!
Even more frustrating is the ability he has to make me doubt myself. I know in my heart that I am a truly good person. I am always there for my friends, no matter what has happened between us. I love life, try to be an optimist, and am not that "high maintenance girl" that tend to wear men out faster than a pair of flip-flops. Yes, I am outspoken, and not known for keeping my thoughts or opinions to myself~but that is not always a bad thing...is it? I have started to wonder lately if I am going to have to "remake" myself; become a totally different woman from who I have always been if I want to be happy. The fact that I am upset enough to even contemplate such a thing makes me even more upset. I mean, WTF is so bad about me?! Then I tell myself, "It's not me, it's the men I choose." Honestly though, that is getting harder and harder to believe.
Okay, pity party is over for now...I have to make a list so I can be sure I get all of my possessions when I go see the ex for the last time tomorrow. I hope I haven't ruined anyone's day with my crying, and moaning...and I hope you all have a fabulous weekend! Thanks for reading, and for any commentary you throw my way.
*kisses
Not alone in the sense that I have no friends, or family. God knows I am blessed every day to have all of you as a part of my world; but lonely in the sense I don't have that special someone...that person I can cry to when life is overwhelming me and I need to be held. That feeling is something I miss, and that makes me sad~while at the very same time I am scared shitless of feeling like that ever again. I loved my ex with an intensity and blind devotion that I never planned on, and in the end all I got was heartache and misery for my efforts. I know, deep down, that not all of our issues were my fault...but it still hurts when he calls me up and proceeds to blast me for everything (real or imagined) I ever did. There is never any mention of the happy times, of the laughter and the shared secrets...it's all hate and negativity and yeah, it fucking hurts! I guess I just don't understand why when a relationship ends it seems like people have this overwhelming need to make the other person the "bad guy." WHY do we have to hate one another; is it really necessary to re-hash every single bad thing that ever happened? And HOW can someone who loved you just months ago now hate you beyond all reason? To me it just makes no sense...I genuinely despise hurting people, no matter what they do to me~so I am having a hard time telling the ex to fuck off...even though I know I should. I guess a part of me is still foolish enough to hope that this is a nightmare of sorts and that the man I loved will re-appear and life will be good again. Then I realize, no matter how much I might want for him to love me, and for things to be good between us again~ they can never be the same. Too many hurtful things have been said, and too many tears cried for me to ever trust him, or him me. I guess all of this is so much worse because he was a part of my life for the last 20 years, I have always admired him and wanted to be with him. I got what I wanted and look how it turned out; how can I ever trust my instincts when it comes to a man again knowing how wrong I was with him?!
Even more frustrating is the ability he has to make me doubt myself. I know in my heart that I am a truly good person. I am always there for my friends, no matter what has happened between us. I love life, try to be an optimist, and am not that "high maintenance girl" that tend to wear men out faster than a pair of flip-flops. Yes, I am outspoken, and not known for keeping my thoughts or opinions to myself~but that is not always a bad thing...is it? I have started to wonder lately if I am going to have to "remake" myself; become a totally different woman from who I have always been if I want to be happy. The fact that I am upset enough to even contemplate such a thing makes me even more upset. I mean, WTF is so bad about me?! Then I tell myself, "It's not me, it's the men I choose." Honestly though, that is getting harder and harder to believe.
Okay, pity party is over for now...I have to make a list so I can be sure I get all of my possessions when I go see the ex for the last time tomorrow. I hope I haven't ruined anyone's day with my crying, and moaning...and I hope you all have a fabulous weekend! Thanks for reading, and for any commentary you throw my way.
*kisses
written by Miss Innocent at 7:40 PM
4 Comments:
I know I cannot tell you that I completely understand the way you feel having not gone through such a horrible ordeal, but I am always there for ya! I do however understand the need for that special someone, someone to love you when no one else does, someone to hold you, someone to talk to, someone to tell all of your troubles to and just listen to your ramblings. I so understand that! In that boat, I am right with you. I know its hard, believe me. Its hard not ever having had a real serious long-term relationship and while I say I am okay with that, I'm not. I want it. I want that special person in my life, and like you, I sometimes wonder if I will ever find them. I understand the thought about changing yourself as you see others around you happy and secure, but I know who I am and what I want. I will be me and if that means it takes longer to do that then so be it. Stay true to yourself and always be you. I love you girl, and am so glad you are a part of my life.
*hugs and kisses*
i know what you need ...
Hey chica. I know how you feel and I also realize that it doesn't help when people say crap like that. I wish I had some magic cure for the feeling of loniless.....I don't but I am here if you want to talk.
Thom~ You actually do know what I need, scary as that is! Now, make me a Jack and Pepsi, STAT!
KJ and Coach, I know I can always count on you to be there for me ~ Thanks for being "true blue"!
Stripperguy, check your email then...I sent you a note!
*kisses
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