Lonely, But Never Really Alone

Saturday is normally one of my favorite days of the week. I have time to get caught up on everyday things like dishes, laundry...the book I am reading. This Saturday sucks though, and I cannot help but turn to the blog as an outlet for all the pain, and fear, and rage, and frustration I have inside me right at this moment. I have "moods" as do most of you so it's not surprising that today has been a rather blue day. I have been stressed out about my job, my lack of money, the fact that I am facing surgery, and that I am alone.
Not alone in the sense that I have no friends, or family. God knows I am blessed every day to have all of you as a part of my world; but lonely in the sense I don't have that special someone...that person I can cry to when life is overwhelming me and I need to be held. That feeling is something I miss, and that makes me sad~while at the very same time I am scared shitless of feeling like that ever again. I loved my ex with an intensity and blind devotion that I never planned on, and in the end all I got was heartache and misery for my efforts. I know, deep down, that not all of our issues were my fault...but it still hurts when he calls me up and proceeds to blast me for everything (real or imagined) I ever did. There is never any mention of the happy times, of the laughter and the shared secrets...it's all hate and negativity and yeah, it fucking hurts! I guess I just don't understand why when a relationship ends it seems like people have this overwhelming need to make the other person the "bad guy." WHY do we have to hate one another; is it really necessary to re-hash every single bad thing that ever happened? And HOW can someone who loved you just months ago now hate you beyond all reason? To me it just makes no sense...I genuinely despise hurting people, no matter what they do to me~so I am having a hard time telling the ex to fuck off...even though I know I should. I guess a part of me is still foolish enough to hope that this is a nightmare of sorts and that the man I loved will re-appear and life will be good again. Then I realize, no matter how much I might want for him to love me, and for things to be good between us again~ they can never be the same. Too many hurtful things have been said, and too many tears cried for me to ever trust him, or him me. I guess all of this is so much worse because he was a part of my life for the last 20 years, I have always admired him and wanted to be with him. I got what I wanted and look how it turned out; how can I ever trust my instincts when it comes to a man again knowing how wrong I was with him?!
Even more frustrating is the ability he has to make me doubt myself. I know in my heart that I am a truly good person. I am always there for my friends, no matter what has happened between us. I love life, try to be an optimist, and am not that "high maintenance girl" that tend to wear men out faster than a pair of flip-flops. Yes, I am outspoken, and not known for keeping my thoughts or opinions to myself~but that is not always a bad thing...is it? I have started to wonder lately if I am going to have to "remake" myself; become a totally different woman from who I have always been if I want to be happy. The fact that I am upset enough to even contemplate such a thing makes me even more upset. I mean, WTF is so bad about me?! Then I tell myself, "It's not me, it's the men I choose." Honestly though, that is getting harder and harder to believe.
Okay, pity party is over for now...I have to make a list so I can be sure I get all of my possessions when I go see the ex for the last time tomorrow. I hope I haven't ruined anyone's day with my crying, and moaning...and I hope you all have a fabulous weekend! Thanks for reading, and for any commentary you throw my way.

*kisses

HNT and other stuff

I am home resting after my trip to the ER yesterday. For those of you who may not know I have been dealing with endometriosis for the last few years, and am often in pain as a result of my illness. Yesterday I was hurting so much, and the pain was so intense, that I decided to go to the Doctor and have a check up. The Doctor sent me over to our hospital and I was then treated to a series of tests, hooked up to an IV, made to have a vaginal ultrasound, and then given a big dose of Phenergan and Demarol. I am going to have to have some outpatient surgery here in a few weeks to remove some of the scar tissue so that I have less pressure and will feel better. If you do not know what enodmetriosis is feel free to Google it or look it up at http://healthwebnetwork.com I am feeling better today, although a bit woozy from the IV cocktail...I have NO tolerance for meds! I will be lurking in blogland for a bit today, but mostly I will be curled up in bed asleep and trying to feel better so I can return to work. Thanks for those of you that worried about me, I am going to be fine! And special thanks to T. for staying by my bedside and listening to me babble on nonsensically as the drugs did their job. You are a peach and I am greatful beyond words for you! Thanks also to Coacharob, she made sure I got home safe. returned to get my car, and then bought me a big ass bottle of Tylenol so that I have the OTC remedy my Doc prefers close at hand. I would have been really lost without the two of them, so I wanted to be sure they got their props!

As far as the drama from yesterday goes....STOP ALREADY! I will be dealing with Ses on a woman to woman basis and I do not want to see/hear/read anything else about this bs on my site. She and I will work it all out and then (hopefully) life will return to a somewhat normal state. I would like to say that while I appreciate all the love and defense I received from you guys this is a situation that is volatile and blogging about it is not going to bring a resoloution any faster. So, as far as commentary goes this is now a dead issue and I hope you will all respect that.

Now it's time for an HNT....I dunno if I should even bother with this in light of how bad the last few days have been, but like I said I have nothing to hide and I have no intention of NOT participating....too many of you would be angry with me! So here you go...enjoy it and Have a HAPPY HALF-NEKKID THURSDAY already...Lawd knows we need some sunshine in this place!

Ponder This

Why is it when someone does something heinous to you and you then take a stand to defend yourself they like to scream and bitch and moan and make threats? It seems to me that if people would just learn to keep secrets to themselves, and to not gossip and run their mouths for lack of anything better to do the world would be a happier place. And when I say "gossip" I am referring to the type of talk that is passed along with malicious glee, regardless of whether or not there is a factual basis for the conversation. Is it just me, or do many of you run into this type of "High School" mentality?! Feedback people, give me feedback!

Makes me almost long for the bullshit I endured in Lexington....

So, I am checking in like I promised I would. Don't expect much, I am exhausted! The job is amazing, and I am really enjoying it! I did manage to get my start time pushed back to 6am rather than 5:30...so that's something! I miss all of you soooo much, and really appreciate the love and support I have been receiving. T. is good, he sends me sweet little text messages all day long; I wish it were Wednesday already so I could see him! Other than that life is kind of boring right now...I am going to eat some Corn Flakes and go to bed, Talk to You all tomorrow!

*Kisses!!!!

How to say "I Love You" in 9 languages:
English- I Love You.
Spanish - Te Amo.
French - Je T'aime.
German - lch Liebe Dich.
Japanese - Ai Shite Imasu.
Italian - Ti Amo.
Chinese - Wo Ai Ni.
Swedish - Jag Alskar.
Redneck - Nice butt, Get in the truck.